Talking with Older Kids and Delayed Telling
As children grow, and have a better grasp of human reproduction and genetics, they will have more questions about their donors (and/or surrogates). They may want to know things like who their donor was, how you met him or her, where the live now, what they are like and whether they have their own children.
Of course you may not be able to answer all of these questions but you should have a reasonable amount of information from your clinic or agency to share with your child when they start getting more curious. If your donor is open to contact once your child reaches age 18 you can share that information with your child so that they can look forward to that possibility when they are a bit older.
Two important things to remember are:
If, on the other hand, you’ve delayed telling your child about their donor until they are a bit older (8-12 years or so) you’ll need to be a little more creative in your approach. If they are old enough to understand reproduction (at least in its most basic terms) you could combine a “birds and bees” talk with telling them about how they came into the world saying something like:
“We had some help having you. We tried very hard to get pregnant but it wasn’t working and we had to go to a fertility clinic for some help. We ended up getting a donor to help us who donated (eggs, sperm or embryos) and that’s how we were finally able to have you!”
Older kids are more likely to be a little confused by this information and wonder why you never told them this before. For many parents the answer will be “we wanted to wait until you could really understand it before we started talking about it.”
Other factors in the delay may very well have been avoidance and worries that your child will be upset with you, angry with you, or reject you in favor of their “real” parent. But that’s not information that a child needs to be burdened with—its something to talk through with a professional or parent of a donor conceived child whose “been there, done that.” Its important to recognize that the message your child may have received by your reluctance to tell them about their origins is that this is something to be ashamed of.
If you child is already a teenager and hasn't been told about being donor conceived (or carried by a gc or both) you're going to have to deal several issues:
Of course you may not be able to answer all of these questions but you should have a reasonable amount of information from your clinic or agency to share with your child when they start getting more curious. If your donor is open to contact once your child reaches age 18 you can share that information with your child so that they can look forward to that possibility when they are a bit older.
Two important things to remember are:
- You can’t tell your child once or twice about their donor conception and expect that to be sufficient to allow them to truly understand and process this information. (If they aren’t bringing it up, you need to).
- When your child does start asking probing questions about their donor don’t get anxious! They are not going to reject you, be angry with you, or start thinking their donor is their “real” parent. They more open and non-defensive you can be when this starts happening the better.
If, on the other hand, you’ve delayed telling your child about their donor until they are a bit older (8-12 years or so) you’ll need to be a little more creative in your approach. If they are old enough to understand reproduction (at least in its most basic terms) you could combine a “birds and bees” talk with telling them about how they came into the world saying something like:
“We had some help having you. We tried very hard to get pregnant but it wasn’t working and we had to go to a fertility clinic for some help. We ended up getting a donor to help us who donated (eggs, sperm or embryos) and that’s how we were finally able to have you!”
Older kids are more likely to be a little confused by this information and wonder why you never told them this before. For many parents the answer will be “we wanted to wait until you could really understand it before we started talking about it.”
Other factors in the delay may very well have been avoidance and worries that your child will be upset with you, angry with you, or reject you in favor of their “real” parent. But that’s not information that a child needs to be burdened with—its something to talk through with a professional or parent of a donor conceived child whose “been there, done that.” Its important to recognize that the message your child may have received by your reluctance to tell them about their origins is that this is something to be ashamed of.
If you child is already a teenager and hasn't been told about being donor conceived (or carried by a gc or both) you're going to have to deal several issues:
- the possible feelings of confusion and shock and anger that they were never told before now: which is probably best addressed with compassion and not defensiveness:"I'm really sorry I didn't say anything until now, I can tell you why later, but I can imagine how hard this is for you to just knowing now."
- the feeling that they "don't know who they are anymore." The important task of identity formation is a what teenagers are dealing with anyway, and if suddenly they find out they are not actually genetically related to one or both parents it can be disorienting and frightening for them.
